Ally the evil zombie!
by Severus
Summary: This story contains: dislike for "Ally Mcbeal" - zombies - Snape from Harry Potter - the violent horrible slaughter of piano woman - unfunny man who thinks he's funny - Dark Magic. Enjoy!


Author's note:  I hate Ally McBeal.  If you only want to read things by people that like Ally McBeal, don't read this.  If you want to read something mature and deep, _really_ don't read this.  I am reacting in retaliation to over exposure to said programme (ie. Ever seeing it at all).  My sister and mother watch it constantly.  The worst thing, I believe, is the background music.  That woman has to die.  Yuck.  

_Ally McBeal – The Evil Zombie!_

_The vile grating sound began, and was accompanied by chords played in a dull repetitive melody.  Still, the piano was all but entirely drowned out by the horrific voice – a sound akin to drowning cats scratching their claws upon blackboards whilst cracking knuckles accompanied by screeching bad violinists (and any other horrible sounds you can imagine, multiplied by infinity).   But in the club, noone seemed to notice nor care, as they danced about like 1st years at their first ever school disco.  _

"Golly gosh." Said the short one with curly hair, who's name was John.  "Isn't it humorous how I have certain unusual habits such as a whistle through my nose?"

"Yes, John." The others said in a flat monotone, clearly not believing this to be funny at all.

"I am amused by that," said Ally McBeal.  Oddly, she sounded exactly like Lurch out of the Addams family. "In fact, I think you are great, John.  I love you."

"Your voice sounds weird, Ally." Commented her blonde female friend (name unknown).  

"Yes. I have a cold."

Unbeknownst to the rest of them, there was a reason for this, which was also the reason for her extremely skeletal appearance.  Ally McBeal, young hip lawyer woman, was in fact an accursed undead fiend!  She was… a ZOMBIE!

"Hey, Ally, lets go snog in the toilets!" John suggested, being ever the romantic.

"Mwuhahaha!!!" Ally laughed in her evil zombie like way. "Yes! Let us go to the toilets… so that I may eat your brain!!!"  Her friends looked at her quizzically.  "I mean… so that I may snog you."  She walked off with John.

"Ho hum." The others looked around.  "Isn't tonight dull."  They decided to pay attention to the stage, where the vile sounding piano-playing/singer woman was continuing to fill the room with her atrocities that she dubbed "music".  They swayed back and forth, roughly in time.  Suddenly…

"Die, fiend!" cried a masked stranger, who swung on a rope on to the stage.  He wielded a magic wand, and exclaimed a magical curse called "Avada Kedavra" (this was usually illegal, however in this case it had been authorised by the Ministry of Magic).  The piano-playing singer woman's skin began to boil like heated plastic, her eyes popped out into the general melee of the audience and then she exploded – covering all of the surrounding area (except for a neat circle around the masked stranger) with blood guts and whatever else.  The whole club was silent, as the masked stranger stepped forward and tore off his mask.  An awed gasp went through all of the people as they beheld the awesome creepy impressiveness of Severus Snape, master wizard extraordinaire.

"Muggles, worry not!" he cried. "She wasn't human, she was a banshee!"  The audience looked around, suddenly understanding – that was why there were so many people turned to stone among them!

Ally McBeal came back, and wiped some excess brains from the corner of her mouth.

"Hey guys." Her voice sounded normal once more, now that her zombific powers had been restored to full strength.  She then proceeded to kill and eat the brains of all her friends out of sheer boredom.  Snape frowned, knowing there was but one way to truly kill a zombie.  He placed the correct magical Bomb on the stage.  Of course, it meant killing everyone else in the club, too, but sometimes sacrifices needed to be made for the greater good.  

BANG 

And just in the nick of time, Severus Snape escaped.  He was given an award for brilliance and service to the magical world, etc.  He was also given the job of teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts, which he had long been due to work in.  

**THE END**

***runs and hides from all the Ally McBeal fans***


End file.
